I don't know what I want to be when I grow up

Author: An Errant Dev

  • Falling back into old ways

    I have been neglecting posting. Allowing myself to fall back into my old ways. I need to make sure that I keep vigilant and make time for my thoughts.

    I have been spending time on personal things, not just work. Those are points in my stress relief column. I did a 1000 piece puzzle over a few days. It was so fun and difficult. I spent / wasted a day (or two) playing Civilization VI. I haven’t won yet, so I imagine I will waste more time on it.

    But I have to remember to pay attention to my thoughts. To my inner feelings, so I don’t get overwhelmed again. And posting helps me do that. It makes me think, check in on my head.

  • Feeling good

    Last week, I finally couldn’t handle the stress anymore (read previous posts) and admitted it. My boss and others were very responsive and it has been such a load off my mind. Adjustments have been made, and more are being considered. Honestly, just the acknowledgement has been so freeing.

    Today, I told my team that I would be doing less HR manager things and would be concentrating on more individual contributing. That I would still be doing Tech Lead things but would be asking for more help on the architecture side. The response I got from them was so welcome.

    They were actually happy for me. Happy that I would be doing more of what I liked. I also made sure I emphasized the point that Individual Contributor is a path forward for their career. That they do not have to be a manager to get promoted.

    And, at least for one, he was very relieved that I was also admitting that I was super stressed. He had been on vacation last week – because he had been so stressed out. All of us, just admitting that we’re all feeling it, the pressure from work, from COVID-19 – maybe in different ways but we’re all affected.

  • Speaking up

    After my … some might call it a freak-out … I felt such relief. Not only did I still have a job but I had spoken up. I had let other people know that I was not OK. My boss’ reaction – an immediate “What is going on? How can we make it better?” was a weight off my mind.

    If it had been Previous Boss, I wouldn’t have considered staying. Honestly, I would have been gone long since. Current Boss – even though I threw him a major curve ball – said we can adjust things and asked me to give him time. We have discussed a couple times about plans to figure out what I want to do. How do I want to do my job. There are more opportunities.

    I know I don’t want to be a manager. I have a been a manager technically for a couple years. But my employees were easy – and there were only two. We knew what each others jobs were and there was no strife.

    On this project, I have four and they are not so easy. Well, two are but two are really not. And that would be more the norm, right? People are messy. I don’t want to deal with messy and I am not good at it. They are good people, and I like them all – but I don’t want to deal with the mess. Or their objectives, or their career goals, or their compliance things.

    Also, I think I don’t want to deal with leading a project technically – I have felt very lacking in ability, in learning, in directing work. I have been winging it til now and it got to be part of the whole which was too much. I know I have gone down the expedient, not the path of correct, on this project. And it makes me feel, lesser for it. My self-esteem should not be tied to a project as a whole … but it has been.

    Now, by saying it was too much, by saying i was not OK. I hope I can diversify, and not be the job. The job is not all, I need to separate myself, and do more. Maybe by doing more, I will find a purpose.

  • I did it… Almost

    Yesterday, I hit my limit. I just couldn’t deal with all the stress any more. I sent a text to my mom “I am going to put in my notice tomorrow”. I cried a little, from stress, from fear. She said they love me and support me. I know my parents probably thought I was being real or ill prepared. Quitting without having a job lined up or any actual plan. It was pretty much a decision of of need to just stop doing what is making me unhappy. ASAP.

    This morning, I had a dentist appointment to get a cavity fixed. Small one, pretty quick fix but still required Novocaine or whatever it is they give you these days. The whole lower right side was all numb and stayed that way for a few hours. Not a big deal but added a little more weight to the day.

    When I got home it was about 10:30am. Which means it was 8:30am PDT, my boss would be starting work soon. Is it time to send The Email?

    Did I want to do this? Could I afford to do it? I have savings, but did I want to dig into them? What are my prospects of getting another job? My thought was to take a few months off, learn new things, then look for a new job. But am I sure??!?!

    I sent the email.

    My boss’ first messages of the day were asking about a project. One of my stresses because it isn’t going well. I knew he hadn’t yet seen The Email. But he had just gotten back from a week of PTO; I knew he was swamped in backlog. So I waited while contemplating if I should tell him to look for my email. I decided not to, it would be weird right?!

    During a one on one with an employee, I finally got the message I was expecting. “I just saw your email. Let’s chat.” I let him know it would be a few minutes as I took a deep breath. Oh crap… This is happening. I’ve done it.

    Logged in to my video chat room and waited. Eventually he was able to join me. Another deep breath. I cried a bit while explaining what I have been feeling. It made me feel good that his eyes were a little red. Of course, that could have been smoke irritation, he is in Bay area but I really think it was emotional response to my pain.

    The upshot is he really doesn’t want to lose me and asked what can we do to change my job. They are going to find some one to step in and be the manager. And I can go back to being an IC (individual contributor). And he asked that I wait to make a final decision, to give him time to adjust and work out those changes.

    So I did it, but then I took it back. The thought of being without a job right now was very scary. I will hold off for now. But I know if it doesn’t get better or if I still am not satisfied after the changes happen, the option is still on the table.

    I can choose to be happy.

  • Unity – 1st baby steps

    Since I had purchased a few Unity courses on Udemy, today I thought it might be a good time to download the dev kit. I saw you could start with Standard or you could include a starter kit with tutorials in the download. Might as well – can’t be a waste of time to get a soft introduction. I chose the tutorial using a Lego mini game – Lego are always fun.

    I started it up and it has platforms and a minifig with some boxes of treasure or something. I entered play mode to experience the game as it exists now. Wander the islands / platforms and run through the boxes to capture them. Back to editor to up the speed of the minifig. Yay! First modification done.

    Then, it tells you to place a platform and make some orientation adjustments. I was able to move it around and place it where I wanted. But then it asked me to rotate it. I am not sure if I actually was doing it wrong – not completing the tasked as the tutorial wanted. Or if I was having issues because my computer was sounding like it was going to take off.

    I suspect the latter. I will have to download Unity on my laptop which I use as a desktop. It has a little more power to try out the Unity dev kit. Hopefully, it will all work out and I won’t have to upgrade just to explore Unity. Of course, since I love also playing video games – an upgrade wouldn’t really be going to waste. 🙂

  • Making a game – experimentation with Unity

    The other day I was browsing online and ended up looking at how to make a game. Of course, Unity is one of the platforms one can create games with. It allows 2D or 3D. I figured why not?!? I went to Udemy.com and they were selling several Unity courses for less than $15 each. I signed up for three and will be starting them soon.

    I am a little nervous. My world in the past went from web development to mostly backend java. So I know I can program – but can I make something fun? I guess I will find out! I will document my progress and share my thoughts during the journey.

    Wish me luck!