I don't know what I want to be when I grow up

Author: An Errant Dev

  • Today is September 11

    September 11 is always an emotional day now. It has become the “Where were you when …. ?” question of recent years. People remember and discuss how that day happened for them – how they experienced the disbelief and trauma.

    When I was growing up, the question was “Where were you when JFK was shot?” I didn’t get it then – how something can stick in everyone’s minds and hearts. Then when I was in 6th grade – we were all gathered in the auditorium to watch the teacher – Christa McAulliffe – go into space. It was a celebratory day – probably in part because we were getting out of normal classes. Then it happened – the shuttle exploded. That day I started to understand a little of why something like that could stay in your mind.

    But September 11 was bigger. It will always be a heavy, emotional memory. Where was I? I worked an evening shift, so normally I slept late. But that day I woke up early for whatever reason. I tuned in to NBC just before the second tower was hit. It was so surreal – how could it be true? The day just slowly unfolded and no one ever came on screen to say it was a hoax – like that War of the Worlds radio show. No one could say anything which could make it better, it just kept going. And kept getting worse.

    Today, almost twenty years later they had a television broadcast of another memorial ceremony and the new museum located at the Twin Towers site. It looked beautiful and showcased the many people lost that day with pictures and even videos. I hope it helps soothe the hearts and souls of those who lost friends and family that day.

  • Teeth metal popcorn ban

    I think I am getting close to the end of a self imposed sentence. My current employer’s dental insurance benefits included adult orthodontia. A couple years ago, I finally took advantage of it. I had palate expanders on the top and bottom, a herbst device – which is a torture device to correct an overbite – along with the traditional metal brackets. The only banned food (that I care about) is popcorn. I miss it so!

    The palate expanders were pretty painful – I would turn to expand before bed. Usually the pain level was back to normal by morning. Though I heard stories from others who had to make more extensive adjustments – so in comparison, not too bad. The herbst was always a lingering discomfort – after an adjustment by the orthodontist – the jaw muscles stretched & tight to bring the bottom forward to align better with the top. That pain would last for days – I took a lot of acetaminophen and ibuprofen.

    Getting the expanders and the herbst off were very liberating experiences but not in themselves comfortable. The devices were, of course, meant to stay on for a long time, so were secured very well to my teeth. Getting them taken out was a little laborious. Not for me, I just had to sit there and not move my head. But thankfully, the orthodontist and the assistants are a very skilled bunch – so it was over as quickly as they could do it.

    During my last appointment there was another patient, a pre-teen, getting expanders out. He was not having a good time. Many “ow, ow, ow” and “no, no, no” were heard from the other end of the treatment room. I felt so sorry for him – but I know that he would be so glad to have that short painful time over with and the expanders out. The flesh around and under the expanders will be raw and sensitive for a couple days. But the prospect of not having to turn the expanders ever again is SO great! Hopefully, he is happier now.

    For myself though I think I am getting close to the end of my journey. I don’t ask for dates – because I don’t want to be disappointed. So I only go appointment to appointment – 5-6 weeks at a time. Yesterday the orthodontist eluded to the end – for the first time during my treatment. I still am not going to get my hopes up, but looks like popcorn may be closer in my future than I thought.

  • Feeling anxious today

    I know I need a change – I just don’t like my life right now. I have been in the same place emotionally for a long time – feeling stuck and stagnant. All I do is watch TV, play some video games, read and work. All I have done for a long while. Of course, this feeling is greatly exacerbated by the pandemic and enforced isolation.

    Work is super busy – a number of people have left the company. The project I am on is super intense and busy. When working from home – it is also too easy to just keep working through lunch, work through any breaks, work into the evening while doing “one last thing”. Without the social interaction of working near people and no breaks to the day it all just bleeds together. Basically, all stress, all the time.

    Today was Labor Day. On Friday, I told myself I would work a couple days during the weekend to catch up on things. I did work on Saturday for about 5 hours and completed a task. I felt really good about that – best I’d felt about something for a long time. But I couldn’t bring myself to do any other work. When I told myself I should do some sprint planning preparation on Monday, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

    I felt my heart start beating harder and started feeling like I wanted to cry. Partly because I feel like I am behind on everything and won’t ever catch up – more just keeps coming in. And partly because I really don’t want to be the one all this falls on. I am supposed to be coordinating all the things and I don’t know how. I am not a project manager and I don’t want to plan other people’s work. I am not an architect and don’t know how to be one. I feel like I am messing up the project because I am just winging it and badly.

    I just got a raise and honestly, don’t care. I don’t like my job anymore. More money doesn’t make me suddenly love it. I feel good sometimes but then others I feel helpless. We’re told to ask for help – no one is alone. But I feel like sometimes when I ask for it – I am brushed off. Then I question myself – maybe this is too easy and I should know, I probably shouldn’t have asked. So I struggle more, and when I have to ask again because I couldn’t figure it out on my own, the question becomes I waited too long, didn’t I? I wasted time – time I could have used to catch up on something else.

    These feelings have persisted for awhile. If we weren’t in a pandemic, perhaps things would be different and I wouldn’t feel so trapped. But I would still be on the same project, still be the only person who holds the knowledge on a couple others. Still be a single point of failure.

    I just searched – “August 2929 quit my job” – yep a typo but the first result was an article that hits close to home – How To Know It’s Time To Quit Your Job: 8 Warning Signs. I feel a little too seen now. At least 4 are always true and probably the others are true sometimes.

    There are so many people involuntarily out of a job – wouldn’t it be the height of stupidity for me to quit my job during this time. So very arrogant to throw away my luck in still having a job.

    But I have savings, so I could take a break and even get myself health insurance while breaking. I could take some classes, try to make something on my own. But if I find I need to get another job I believe I am marketable – I am a female programmer, I think I am pretty good at it …. sometimes.

  • How do you go from idea to game?

    People hear that I am a programmer and they always tell me that I should make an app. So easy! Until now I really haven’t had any ideas for apps or games. Now I have a few. The next step is to actually execute on one of them. To publish a game I need ambition, time, and knowledge.

    I have a been a web developer in the past but have been doing backend Java programming for that last 4 years. That is along time in programming world. I don’t know anything about game development. It is hard to have ambition, if I don’t know what I am doing. To learn a new tech takes time – time I would love to use actually just creating something.

    Recently, I have been experimenting with React.js to make a word game. So far seems fairly straight forward. And pretty suited to a word game and grid set up. Also, there are lots of websites and resources online to google and find how to do a task. Great!

    But if I want to do something more graphical – I have NO idea where to start. Also, I think I have analysis paralysis – there are too many choices, so it is very hard to decide which one. Do I go with Unity? Can I do other things with React? Other JS frameworks or Python or something else ??

    I don’t want to make the next Call of Duty – those take tons of people and tons of money. I just want to make something fairly simple – a single game board with different levels.

    I would love to learn on one of those games that teaches children programming but some of those are only with blocks. Learning with blocks to put together scenarios are so great but maybe overly simple for me. Some of the video courses on Udemy or other platforms are very dry – so it is hard to stay motivated.

    Does someone have any ambition they can give me?

  • Tour de France – J’aimerais être là

    My friends and I have been planning to go to France and Italy … sometime. We didn’t have to cancel any thing this year, because we hadn’t picked dates or made any commitments but we were dreaming. Now the pandemic is making anything more than dreaming seem very far away.

    My friends are a married couple, I have known for quite awhile. I have been friends with the wife for almost 20 years and the husband is like a little brother to me now – so they are family. Traveling with them is nice. We’re all fairly similar so we generally want to do the same things or are all willing to accommodate the wishes of the others. To me – it’s all good – I am always seeing something new (just don’t make me hang out up high). And if I really don’t want to do something, I will go sit in a café to enjoy coffee and people watching. Side note: I went on their honeymoon with them – a story for later.

    One of the reasons we want to go to France is to see some stage of the Tour de France. I remember watching the Tour when I was in high school. I took French for many years and watching the tour connected with me. My friends and I continue to watch the Tour every year on NBC. I love the announcing – I learn a lot about cycling for that short time. Although I probably forget the majority by the next time it comes around.

    The Tour is just so enjoyable to watch. It displays the extraordinary fitness level of these cyclists (holy crap their legs are HUGE!). And the course is so varied and showcases the French countryside. MY sole quibble with the race organization is that there should be a women’s race. It is way past time. Seriously, allowing women only to participate in the La Course de Le Tour de France – a single day race. Elite female cyclists deserve the chance to race, too.

    My wish is to someday just watch a mountain stage – camp out for a time on the side of a winding road and watch them go by. While a descent would be exciting – it would go by so fast. Maybe an ascent would be more enjoyable for viewing. Maybe if we ventured out early enough we could get a summit spot – best of both worlds.

    For 2020 the race was delayed until August 29th – about a two month delay. They have a lot of rules and regs in place to help prevent outbreaks. Whole teams could be sent home, if some portion of them get COVID-19. They also reserve the right to outright cancel the tour. It would be so disappointing but if it has to happen, I will choose to be happy they got to run some of it.

    Speaking of best laid plans – earlier this year, my friend had very concrete plans to go to Latvia with her father in May 2020. To get a tour, a very personal history lesson, maybe even to meet family for the first time. And now, due to COVID-19, sadly, they had to kiss it goodbye. The airline was great and gave them a full refund because they’d booked directly with them. They were NOT able to get the hotels costs back because they booked with a aggregate booking site – I forget which one. I understand that those sites are there to make money; however – a global pandemic and lock down seems like a nice time to be kind to your customers. I know that I will remember in the future that booking direct may be a better choice – whenever we’re able to travel again.

  • Day went from really good to not really good

    This morning was really good. Had a good breakfast (omelet). I got to give good news and had a good start on a task at work. I watched some co-workers give a nice presentation in the company all-hands. And then things went pear-shaped.

    My good start was not so good. I hit road-blocks and just don’t feel like i was making good progress. OK fine that is part of programming, right ? One step forward two steps back, why the heck does THAT work, it shouldn’t work and why doesn’t that work, I thought that would…arghhh?!? A bit frustrating.

    Then a couple issues were discovered in code that is in production – not that anyone will see it because it is reachable only from the mobile app and their code is NOT in production. But I don’t know why that is happening either!! More than a bit frustrating.

    It seems to be a CSS issue (how fun!) but it is in a webview – and I don’t know how to test / check for that. Also, it isn’t my code – but I can’t let my employee flounder – but he doesn’t know what it is either. So we will have to throw ourselves on the mercy of other employees who are more specialized in front end stuff. I only hope right away they say YES I know exactly what needs to happen. A girl can dream, right?